Intoxicate me, anyone?

We humans are naturally transparent.
We can dive into one another,
And grab hold of every single emotion that dwells in there.
Trust me... we can! We really can!
Or better, why not try it out for yourself. It works!
The challenge comes when we become hell bent on making chameleons of ourselves!
Colors are juggled so often that neither you nor they can remember their true identity.

I change often too.
In fact, I move to and fro.
I revel amidst many a psychedelic flights,
And then when I am bored,
I silently set myself on an inner quest.

And while I am oscillating from one end to the other,
En route I experience enough.
The colors around dazzle and charm me,
And I fall into the trap,
It’s so easy at times…
My vision blurs ,
And many a times I merge with a multitude of colors.
I even try to adorn what I like,
And then I discover the layers,
Some are meant for delusion,
Some are just there!

Break on thru.....

My Nirvana needs a chotti si break... perhaps to rest and mediate!
In the meanttime, I think I'll keep myself busy with Psychedelic Flights

Reminisce...

Ummm… I’ve got this constant memory flash thing happening today of the same time last year. I was dressing up in my red lehnga, a beautiful red (my second most loved attire!) for my cousin’s wedding (she and I were real close a long time ago!). Red happens to be my favourite colour, of course black precedes (but I am almost bored with it, my entire wardrobe is black!!). I wore a small black bindi too. I remember I was constantly on the phone and mom was screaming at me like mad, but heck, my mom’s the sweetest person on this whole god damned planet!

I looked nice (for a change:ppp) because I got numerous nodding glances from all kind of relatives and compliments from friends. They aren’t like the most generous people when it comes to appreciating, so maybe….I did look nice after all! The farm was decked up beautifully too, with those tinkling lights dangling on the trees and the walls of the bungalow, almost making me feel (just like every time I was there:-) as if I was amongst a thousand stars. I did not admire this farm too much, but this day was different. The breeze was sweet smelling and I was SO happy. It was magical, wasn’t it?

Btw, next day was also my birthday. A day that keeps me anxious, real anxious! I’ve always managed to feel special somehow, on most of my Bdays. In my childhood days, my dad was fond of celebrating my birthday and would always arrange a grand party and all that jazz. And then later, it became a habit to make these great plans months before the day would arrive. I’ve always know exactly what I’d like my mom-dad to give me and I’d make it a point to get it before my birthday. Somehow, I've always managed to get all my friends together and have a real REAL Blast!

Anyway, that is like history now. One of my best friends (who’s also like, gone real crazy since he’s on his own now and rocking quite a bit as far as his career goes) came over for the wedding. He’s crazy, trust me! A few minutes after 12 and when everyone was done with wishing me and stuff, he forced me to sneak out of the wedding (my first cousin's weding, can you beat that!). He'd got Vodka as a surpise (haha!) and drove me down to Gurgaon. We picked up a few more of our friends and then we all went dancing, and I was of course still in my RED lehnga (I am sure my other friends were embarassed BIG time!). I had a major crush on this guy who played the music in the pub that we went to. I liked him for his wild hair:-) We partied till early morning and before the vidai ceremony was done, I was thankfully back, and was quite sober! Anyway, since it was my Birthday, I was spared for my absence... Haha! Birthdays are a wonderful thing:-))))

Off late, I kinda miss this friend of mine, cause he’s not there to accompany me for all those amazing things we did together like the breakfasts we went for after yakking the entire night, driving together to work and then back home, standing and gossiping in front of his house till sunrise, partying out almost every second day etc etc ……well, he’s a busy guy now! He’s got his career rocking and hence, no time!

This year on my Birthday, I SO want to vanish somewhere… a lot has changed since then! Infact almost everything! I don’t feel the anxiety anymore, I feel nothing. Perhaps I’ve already grown a year older. I don't think I want anything from mom-dad. I don’t want to go out and party. I am okay if some of my friends forget to wish me. I dont care if it's not made special. All I want to do, really REALLY want to do is pray for more love, truth and peace:-)

I am not a poet

(*Thanks M! for giving this piece a brilliant structure and a decent flow. Here's the edited version* )

I really want to write about dreams, beauty and love
But my head is clogged with memories and thoughts
I am in mourning…
Don’t you know there have been a couple of deaths?

Oh! I wish I was a poet!
I would then dress up my words and use camouflage
Or if only I could be like the Lizard King,
I’d sedate myself and pass out in my bathtub
The record of reality is on full swing
It plays in the background, doing its own thing!
I am with my savior, the maverick king and his kin,
who was made to leave his Garden of Eden, and abandon everything
The princess had met and believed an unfortunate snake
Thankfully, the forbidden fruit she was going to pluck was rotten and stale

Oh yes, did I tell you?
Times have changed and no story remains the same
Characters choose their own part now; Mr. Shakespeare is off the stage
Pretty Fairies are not born anymore; it’s demons that sprout everywhere
Witches, they confuse you with makeup, poor angels have no choice
Cinderellas aren’t invited to balls anymore; the mirrors have learnt to lie
Frogs don’t turn into charming princes, and living happily ever after is a myth

What is it?
Destiny on its full play or karma setting up the stage
My mind is tired and I am losing my words
I told you, I am not a shaman nor a poet
I cannot feign, I cannot create a farce
From realizations, I am leaving on oblivion’s aircraft

http://new.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=773294&confid=1199

Psychedelic

Life is a band of colours. Sometimes, it’s the red that strikes you with passion! Then there is yellow for the sunshine. And many times, the darkness of black looms over you for longer than you can imagine and desire.

They say, you see only what you want to see…..but that’s ideal, isn’t it?

We are amidst multiple layers and blinded by the amalgamation of the colours in the inner crust, that merge with the ionosphere.

I like writing. Actually, to be honest, right now, I like nothing. But yeah, with a bit of effort, I could push myself to type a few thoughts so that once they take a tangible form, am done with them forever. Have I told you, I am looking for freedom!

I like music too. I went for a violin concert last evening, and I was glad to be transcended away from the chaos of the colours to the pure magic of melody. Thank god, being exhilarated is a different and a unique state.

Isn’t it so futile to want to confine yourself to a set pattern of existence defined by the others? Don’t we then feign ourselves and practise deception in its highest form?

I can’t help but hate this derived feeling of nothingness that envelopes around me and entraps me as its hostage. I have told you, all I need is freedom!

Bonzie, I miss you like crazy!

I can't see you anymore, but can almost visualise you playing with God, sitting in his lap and then moving out, nudging him to run his hand through your hair, and then sitting right beside him, all content and watching him while he works on our fate.

I don’t know how to explain what it is like to not have you in our lives anymore. It’s a huge HUGE void and we all miss you like hell!

I SO badly want to hug you once more, play with you, tease you, pat you and see you shut those angel eyes as you go off to sleep. I don’t know what angels look like, but you are/were one - the sweetest and the prettiest angel who came into our life bringing numerous beautiful moments full of laughter, happiness and joy. Your eyes were the most beautiful and none of us could ever say no to you, because you always spoke with them. I always felt that you took upon you all our sorrows and sufferings and this realisation is now more painful than ever.

The house is empty without you and your absence is killing. My lil bonsai, I miss your tiptoeing from one room to the other, gazing at each one of us every morning, perhaps to see if we were all doing fine. You radiated so much warmth and added such pure magic to our lives. Suddenly we all feel bare without you, somethign is amiss - you, and life and home looks empty and not nice.

My mind keeps travelling back in time and remembering all the wonderful moments with you. The way you would hide, as a kid, under an almirah and mom would go all crazy looking for you. When we got you home some twelve years ago, you were our star! And we watched your every little move. I remember the first time you climbed a small step, we were all so elated. Whenever you would sneak out of home, we would spend hours looking around for you. And then suddenly you’d appear from somewhere, like God answered our prayers.

You always joined us in all our round-bed conferences, looking like a cuddable cute lil angel. And the way you would pull up our rajais in the winter and leave a warm peck on our faces to wake us up. Every time someone came back home after a long day, it’s you who expressed such euphoric excitement by running from one end to the other and jumping around endlessly. Whenever someone has been sick, you’d sit around for long hours offering such a hell lot of warmth and your support. Many times we have fought over you as each one of us wanted you to snuggle up next to us. Didn’t we all simply love you, our lil angel, doing that!

It was always so hilarious whenever you would chupke se eat all the cakes baked by others and lick away all the crème and when asked for feedback, we would say, Oh! Bonie simply loved them! And mah! You had such attitude! The nakhras that you would show before your plate of food was brought in front of you. You had to be lured to eat by displaying all kind of delicacies in your plate. There’s not a place I remember that you did not come along with us. We could barely imagine going on any trip without you. And now that you are not there, you can’t imagine how much we miss our white lil angel whose love for us was unconditional, whose support was undoubtable and whose compassion – simply unimaginable.

Bonsai, you were loved by ALL…...there's not a soul that was not touched by your charm. And I can’t tell you how much we miss you and will continue to miss you. Right now, its terribly painful…..but I pray to God that you get the best because you deserve just that. Your love for us was always so selfless and when everyone else would go bad, you were always there, just like an angel with those compassionate eyes telling us that its okay…..and it shall all pass. You have no idea what that meant to each one of us.

I hope you receive ten thousand times more love and joy than what you did in this birth. I pray that God blesses you with the most amazing people who can’t stop raving about you and love you as if you were their life. I wish you are showered with an extremely jazzy life that is the most beautiful, super rocking and full of endless joy. I hope God is listening as I wish the BESTEST of the best for my lil bonsai….. You were the purest and the softest soul I know and you don't deserve even an iota less.

You have left us and gone forever, and we will see you no more, but you are and will always be there and alive in our hearts and at home.

Amen!

Eclipse!

I am told this day is going to stand out in some way.
But I did not know, things are going to turn up THIS way!
Ive already got one surprise (*And I'm not SO shocked, really*).
The next I'll get to see in the evening.

Ill continue this post.......

7th Sep, 2006

Okay, so I pick up my surprise, shed a tear, drive down to a friend’s house, come back home, speak to mom, shut my eyes and I hit the bed. Mom tells me to forget as though it were a nightmare.

I’m flying in an airplane with mom and dad. I can see the plane has wings on either side. I notice that as we are ascending in the sky, the wings are moving strangely. I realize the plane is about to crash. I caution my mom and dad. In a few moments, I begin to see the descending trajectory. The plane crash lands, and as we hit the ground that seems like some shore, we rush out to save ourselves. We are on safe terrain.

We are back home. My memory has a few lapses here and I forget the sequence of events. I think there is some kind of a procession outside home and maybe I am a part of it too. I am not sure.

I go back in time, to where our plane crash-landed. All the people in the crash are here; they all want to save their lives. The crash was a ploy. There is a gigantic man in black clothes; people are offering him all their money and jewellery. There’s a huge pile of gold lying in front of him. Somehow, my dad manages to find an acquaintance and we are spared. The three of us are assigned rooms to stay. We approach the first room. It’s no. 28. It ‘s locked from inside. I knock on the door, no one responds. I bang the door. I wait a few moments. A young tired looking lady opens the door. She has the most exhausted expression and dark circled eyes. I look around her room. Darn! The walls are so close by and it’s so dingy and claustrophobic in there. I take a second look, there’s no way to escape. Perhaps she’s been here for years. I shudder for a bit, I think I may know this woman. She seems numb. I want to run away.

Gosh! What was wrong with me? Why was I being so silly? What made me take so much time?

I open my eyes . I see the moist glass window panes. The sun is up. I am awake!

Come on join the Tag -ride!!!!!!!!

Well, I have had Lemon and @tom (my good buddies on blogspot) tag me and hence, giving me a good reason and something to write about. Thanks!!!

I know I've not written anything for a long time now. But of course, the real reason was that I’ve been keeping veryyyyyyy busy :pppp ummmm.......watching a whole lot of interesting movies…20 of them, reading some amazing books and meeting some of my old ‘simply-awesome’ friends:-))))))))

So, life’s been pretty neat and here I am with the first of the tag by Lemon!

I am thinking about...
What happened to all those beautiful dreams that I carried with me as a pretty lil child.....
I wonder where they disappeared with time!

I said...
Its soooooooooooooo beautiful! Almost miraculous!
(After I looked at the full moon last to last night!)

I want to...
go dancing with my regular gang…..it’s been a long long time!

I wish...
I could remain as that beautiful lil child forever …….the star of everyone’s eye :-))))

I hear...
God speak to me at times!

I wonder...
if there’s something as soul mates!!!!

I regret...
Some years of my life. They were such a louse!!

& yeah, believing you!

I am...
Quite bohemian at times:-))))))

(Actually most times:pppp)

I dance...
To the rhythm divine!

I sing...
To make others laugh!

I cry...
when I cant hold my tears any longer......

I am not always...
The same! I get bored being me!!!

I make with my hands...
clay vases on the wheel (out of shape mostly),
and a few paintings (surprisingly pretty :-)

I write...
To feel joyous!

I confuse...
Birthdates....always.

I need...
A house to decorate

I tag...
My other blog buddies - Mayuri, Jyotsana, Priyanka, Soul rinsing, Saltwater blues, Khyati, Renee and @tom .

And now, the next tag by @tom!!!

This one requires me to:
• Write six weird facts or habits about myself
• Name six people I will tag next and leave a comment to let them know

So here are my six weird habits or facts.
(Actually I’d think I am pretty normal, but here is some stuff that others have thought as weird!)

1. I cannot wear nail paint. It makes me feel as if my nails can’t breathe! And that
is NOT a nice feeling.
(Hardly weird I guess :ppp)

2. My Hair – My mum thinks they are like that of a sadhu who hasn’t washed his hair
in like a thousand years. But I simply looove them the way they are and would
do nothing to change them :-)

3. I like eating clay!!! I love the smell of wet clay and the wet earth. Its pure
bliss!

4. Ive never really been fascinated by nature, but off late the color red pops out
to my eyes, the trees around my house and on my drive to work are simply
beautiful, I looooove the way the sun looks……….I am totally enchanted by the
way God has desinged the entire world! It’s simply mindblowing!!!!

5. I like Shivji God cause I think he has quite a bohemian lifestyle :-))

6. I've actually started believing in soulmates! I think they exist :-)

And now, Id request all my blog buddies to take up this tag:-)))))))))))))
And enjoy the tag ride:-))))))))))

Of love, lust, moksha and other desires….

So, I watched Samsara this weekend.
*I may give out the plot, so read at your own risk.*

A beautiful movie directed by Pal Nalin, set in the blissful beauty of Ladakh. It’s a simple story about a Buddhist monk who cannot withhold his attraction for a beautiful woman.

A battle between the body and the soul, the sensual over the spiritual!!!
A fascinating tale that quenches the thirst of a few answers within…….

How can you renounce the desires that you have never known?
Buddha lived a normal life till 29 years.

(And you’ve always wanted to ask that one question above.)

The monk leaves the confines of the monastery to fulfil his desires in the illusionary endless samsara. He goes through an entire circle of life as he experiences the worldly pleasures derived from love, sex, marriage and materialism. But it’s only his lust and greed that increases manifolds. His lustful desires are endless…………and he is forced by them to betray.

Do you satisfy a thousand desires or conquer just one?

(That’s a good enough question with an answer for the time being!)

Confusion and misery creeps in the very soul of his. And he decides to move away from the samsara, back to the eternal. Unlike Buddha, he is faced by his wife who leaves him with a swarm of questions………before she bids him a dignified adieu.

Did anyone ever think of Rahul and his wife, Yashodhara?
Perhaps she wanted to walk the path of enlightenment too….
But she chose to sacrifice it all for the sake of her son.

What would she have told Rahul every time he inquired about his father?

Who knows if she lived an entire life of loneliness and bitterness?
We know she lived as an ascetic…
But who knows if she may have attained her enlightenment too?

(Yeah, these are my question too!!! Isnt a woman always expected to perform a series of sacrifices as a part of her duty! And lo, she does it all so well!!!)

If you love anything with true passion, faith and honesty……..
whatever it maybe……….moksha can be yours in this very lifetime!!!
Else even a series of lifetimes would not prove enough...

(How true!!! If love isn’t pure, it's not worth pursuing anyway!!!)

Morphing thru time.....

No updates, random or otherwise.....
Nothing to cheer about,
No reason to celebrate
Nor the will to put you down.

No questions,
No doubts.
No why did you,
followed by your lies.

No memories…..
No tears, no smiles.
I am simply.....
morphing through time!!!

Nothing Else Matters!!!

Am not the kind who’s gonna keep a check on her emotions, and control the most innocent and simplest of my desires.

I mean, what the heck am I living for????

Yep you hear people talk of right living, right blah blah…. Is there really any of it???? Does anyone around us ever seem to be practicing it…. And if at all, are they happy and leading the lives they want to????? And I am not talking of ethics and values here…. It’s about the very basic expressions and emotions….

I have never understood, Why is it wrong to just say it when you love someone… And why is it such a flaw to rebel for a cause…. I mean, we are all humans for heavens sake….. And we are all here to explore….. Discover…self discover…..

But yeah all said and done….Contrary to my beliefs….. Emotions vanish and numbness prevails Naaaaah….emotions NEVVVVERRRRRRRR help!!!! And Expressions make it worse….

The moment you tell someone you love them, And you reeeeaaaaalllllllllly love them….. They’ve packed their bags and are set on an ego trip….. And you are reduced to this insignificant miniscule of a thing…. Everyone hates you and condemns you anyway, they can’t stand the dare and the mind that speaks you…..

And slowly you detest you for being you…

Every bond hurts,

Memories pain

As you wipe them off forever…

You lock and dump all emotions…

And forgetting them seems better.

Life is confusing at times!!! You don’t know where you hailed from… And where you are heading and All this to and fro… Can throw you off the hook…. You try endlessly to be all in control….And you are this indifferent being… You can’t handle it another time… And you better be on guard…. So what….you are only a bit lifeless!!! But you are at peace…..

Do you know? No matter how hard you try, Someone would come your way, Reconstruct that lost belief…. Throw you off guard… And you are all set to oscillate once again…… And this time your emotions would be wild, Like they are dancing on a trapezium…..As they get that extra push from the invisible springs within….

You would say what you don’t mean to say, Or you’d say everything and anything.....And mean to say… You have nothing to rely on…Your experiences are lost, Your beliefs don’t exist…… No one understands you…. Cause you don’t understand yourself anymore….

Honey, this is life…… And there’s everyone….. And there’s one you!!!! You and they… Get tested and tormented everyday…… The stronger you are…. Harder the blow… Don’t build façades and don’t lock up you…..And dare you even doubt yourself……..you are god’s gift to you….

It’s okay to be crazy sometimes…. And it’s okay to be broken…. Trapeziums can be fun…And oscillations can lead some place new.. Every day is a lesson and ....Silly, every day is a new you :-)))))

Girl Interrupted!!!

Was I ever crazy?
Maybe.........
Or maybe life is...
Crazy isn't being broken.....
or swallowing a dark secret....
It's you or me amplified!!!

- Sussana Kaysen (Girl interrupted!!!)

The Butterfly Effect!!! (I stole your title....but I needed it)

“Do you have a boyfriend?” I asked Sita. She simply smiled. I repeated my question and she started to blurt out something. I was already lost in my own thoughts by then, oblivious to what was happening around me.

It seemed like a while ago when he had entered into my life. Eight months and twenty two days to be precise. I did not want a new entrant who could potentially disturb the harmony that I had created around me. He was different; he did not follow a methodology. He had seen me somewhere and he later revealed that he had felt an instant connection. He simply had to pursue this. I did not know if I could consider myself lucky or just go with the flow. I did not make a choice; I just went with the flow.

We exchanged the stories of our life and indulged in endless discussions. Our discussions varied from our childhood stories, family pressures on our choice of our careers and so on. We also discussed our past relationships and our varied experiences resulting from it. Our conversations moved on from sharing aspects of ourselves as we gradually started to talk about our daily routines. We often had a lot of brick bating sessions on some of our common acquaintances followed by mindless conversations to make the other laugh. It was a perfect friendship.

Can perfection be attained?
I think perfection is an ongoing process and we are always striving for it.
It’s like diabetes. You have to maintain the right levels of sugar in order to be fit.
In fact, perfection has to be maintained once something beautiful has been created. Perfection is a relative concept and it is defined distinctly by the individual mind.

Sadly, the definitions of perfection for both of us varied. We reached a state of equilibrium, but always drifted as we lacked clarity of each others expectations. My extreme emotions of love and hate disturbed us immensely which resulted from my lack of clarity. Yet, we always got back together as if we were tied to each other by an umbilical chord leading to an eternal connection.

Perfection doesn’t last forever. So didn’t our perfect friendship. Were we ever perfect? Is perfection defined by design of one’s destiny? Can we create perfection? According to the Bhagwad Gita, everything we experience is specially designed for us to become better human beings and understand the purpose of our life. Have I understood the purpose of my life and have I become a better human being? Or am I going to be more cynical with each passing day as all the perfection goes down the drain? I don’t know.
Life is a chaos!

Ram entered the class. He threw a chalk at me. I came back to the real world and I looked at Sita who was smiling innocently.

Then my eyes met the butterfly drawn on the board, as Ram went on to explain,

“We think we live in a chaos and perhaps we will never understand the dynamics of it. The truth is that there is no such thing as chance, but patterns we can’t understand. A flapping of a small Butterfly’s wing in the west can cause a tornado in the east. We may spend our entire life wondering what caused it. Chaos has its way; everything and everyone will find their true course.”

IRIS!!!